I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
