My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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