Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
