So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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