it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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