this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
