I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
