I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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