I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
