How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
