a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
