I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
