dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Randomize
