So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
