Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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