Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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