if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
