I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
