Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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