Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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