yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
