I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
