3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
