I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
