i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
