i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
