Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
