I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
