There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
