I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
