Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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