I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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