Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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