Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
