We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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