he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
