I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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