So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
