I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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