i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He shit in the fireplace
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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