I met the friendliest cop last night
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
