yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
