how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
