he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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