Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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