i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
false alarm. still invincible.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
