Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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