I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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