I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
