Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
is wine microwaveable?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
