i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
