If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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