I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
